Sankalpa

I stood there in awe and in total devastation. There were two distinct sacks, the size of kumquats, in the bottom of the toilet. Two balls of energy, already gone, had been shed from my insides. There had already been so much blood, cramps, and that deep-belly breath. But this was the labor intensive process of completely emptying out what had just filled me up. The vibration of these spirit children was no longer living in my body. The seed had not held on.

There is where I found a quiet resilience that touched all aspects of my current consciousness. I am a mother. This is my sankalpa. This is the deep answer to a question I had always been doing a dance around. Not sure, one foot in and one foot out; I wasn’t willing to risk everything for fear of not getting what I want. I want to be a mother.

Now I had tasted. Now I had an impression. Now I had the confidence and strength to say it out loud; I am a mother. I am ina partnership worthy of a divine union between man and woman. I am ready.

In all my years of spiritual seeking, studying with masters, filling my shelves with books and scriptures, with all the beads and the incense and robes of a perpetual ritual, I had not truly found the grit of my own spirit until i was holding space for life to flourish within. And then when I was holding space for me to mourn the energy that I couldn’t nourish past that moment when I realized that Nature is wiser than I could ever be.