I hate this

  This feeling is hallow and deep. It feels like hunger and being sick to my stomach. It catches me by surprise and I almost topple to the ground. My face contorts and my throat closes and the tears are right behind as my chest heaves and convulses. I could throw up or fall down kicking and screaming like a child. I don't want this! I don't want this! Why?!?! Why?!?!? I can't breathe. I can't see straight. Am I mourning everything? Everyone I've lost? Everything that I failed? It's too much. This is too much for one person. How can the waves of emotions come crashing so hard down? And then lift me up high enough to smash me against the jagged rock's edge? I'm bleeding somewhere inside. Something is broken or severed and I can't heal as fast anymore or I lost the tools I acquired and I can't fucking breathe! I need to breathe. Gulp in, push out. He is gone. She is gone. They are gone. I feel so empty and sad. Death is weighing in on my soul.