"find somewhere you trust…trying trusting it for awhile"

when my dog Chula passed away on May 13th, 2014… i wrote this:

She made me come home again and again. An anchor and an interdependence felt at the deepest place where we commune with nature, in union. She was my living yoga practice: connecting breath and movement and mindfulness. Be mindful. She taught me again and again to pay attention to the smallest details and the inquiry of timing and love. So much love. She tethered me to the earth. My angel. And now I am swimming in a sea of homelessness. The walls do not hold me the way her body leaned and offered me support. The roof of my house could blow away and all I want is the shelter of her stare, her presence, her dedication. The floor shakes under my feet without my shadowed companion, all I feel is dark uneasiness. Where do I go now? What do I do without the shine of her coat, and the sound of her nails on the floor and tail beating a song against the wall, waking me in the morning? Her tongue can not wipe away my tears and the staggering reality of being alone is enough of a reason to close my eyes and pray. I see her face and hear her breath and remember we had such a good life together. She was my angel. She was my coming home. Where do I go now? She was my coming home and now I and untethered and free to roam.

...

september 5th, 2014 i am packing for a camping trip, one i could not have taken if she was here because the campsite doesn't allow dogs and for the past 2 years when my friends have gone, i have stayed home. while i pack, i am planning a trip to spain/france in october. india, nepal, and thailand in the winter of 2015… and i wonder if i have found my way back to myself enough to know i am HOME or if i am still in this cliche wanderlust of answering my anguishing pain and mourning with the distractions of long distance lovers, courses/training to sign up for, and any and all adventures that will spare me the reflection that i don't know really trust or know myself well enough to be HOME or rely on myself on my own.

i want to sink into somewhere i trust and love, and stay there awhile.